Keeping the ‘Ack!’ in Black Friday

once more unto the breachGird your loins, people…another Black Friday is upon us. It’s one of those days you either embrace wholeheartedly, elbowing your way joyfully into the fray, or avoid as you would a drunken co-worker at the office Christmas party. I’m in the latter group but whatever floats your boat, as they say. A few years ago, though, when I lived in Michigan, we had us a stampede at a local Walmart store. And while no one was seriously injured, it provided inspiration for the following poem, which I’m posting now for all those who may find themselves underfoot in the coming days.

T’was the morn past Thanksgiving
And the deals were to start,
So the shoppers were gathered
With their buggies and carts.

They were standing in line
To buy TVs and clocks,
If they made it in first
They’d save ten cents on socks.

They’d been waiting for hours
In the dark and the cold
‘Cause they knew that by noon
Everything would be sold.

So promptly at five
One brave employee
Threw open the doors
And away he did flee.

The shoppers rushed in
With their eyes all aglow,
But their glee turned to pain
When down they did go.

While the bodies piled up,
Those in back pushed ahead
Still hoping to save
Fifty cents on a sled.

A news crew was filming
So everyone viewed
The spirit of peace
And joy that ensued.

Even Santa was shocked
By the thundering herd
So we’re all getting gifts
Of fresh reindeer turds.

And I heard him exclaim
Flying off in his sleigh,
“I want no more to do
With this jank holiday.”

Photos: and Darin Oswald/Idaho Statesman


2 thoughts on “Keeping the ‘Ack!’ in Black Friday

  1. Excellent !! Have never been part of the thundering herd, and I’m glad the store clerks have jobs but feel sorry for what they have to endure.

    We heard there’s a sweet little movie coming out called ‘Saving Christmas’ about putting Christ back in the holiday. That sounds like more my style!

    • Yeah, in my book it’s not worth having to go all “Bruce Lee” on everyone in order to get a cheap TV. Besides, weren’t we just saying how thankful we were for all the things we have not 12 hours earlier?

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