A Day in the Life of President Trump

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4:30am – The hotline is ringing. Groggy with sleep, the President answers it while pushing a curtain of hair from his eyes. “This better be good.” He falls silent for a moment as the voice on the other end, that of Secretary of State Sarah Palin, begins to tell him about an incident between US and Russian troops that occurred while coordinating an attack on ISIS. Progress against the terrorist group has been slow, and this latest dust-up is now escalating into an international crisis between the superpowers. The President cuts her off before her second “you betcha.” “How is this my problem? Look, everyone agrees that I’m an amazing leader. And the Russian people love me…they love me. In fact, Vladdie’s just pissed because he’s trailing me in the latest polls there in his own country, which is a total failure, by the way. Besides, these ISIS clowns are running scared. They’ll be surrendering by the thousands now because they’re afraid of me – they don’t want to get shlonged. This’ll all be over by next Tuesday…I’m going back to bed.”

5:50am – Breakfast is served, bald eagle eggs and bacon. (“They’re really an amazing creature,” the President noted as he signed the decree forfeiting their protected status the day he took office, “but c’mon, who has a bird for a mascot? Losers, that’s who – I mean, look at the Philadelphia Eagles. It’s time for America to improve its image, so I’m putting my face on the hundred dollar bill and naming it the new symbol of this great country.”)

7:15am – All the morning shows want to do a live shot to talk about the President’s plan to build a flaming, mine-filled moat along the US-Mexican border. While appearing on the “Today” show, Trump calls out NBC’s venerable weatherman. “Hey, Al,” he says, puffing out his cheeks and waddling around with his arms held away from his side. “Didn’t you used to look like one of the balloons in the Thanksgiving parade?” Later he clarifies that he wasn’t making fun of overweight people, only trying to get his blood circulating after sitting through so many interviews. Besides, he says he’d never even heard of Al Roker before doing the live shot. His approval ratings jump 12 points.

9:45am – A tweet from the White House claims that Muslims are responsible for 110 percent of Christian deaths around the world. When asked where such a “statistic” came from, the White House spokesperson says it was pulled from “some website somewhere.” When people point to actual facts that repudiate this claim, the White House releases a flurry of follow-up tweets insulting everyone in the media while also questioning their motives and patriotism. Additional funding for the construction of Islamist internment camps is approved by Congress later in the day.

11:30am – Over lunch, the President tells European leaders that he saw, with his own eyes, Russian troops massing on that country’s western border in what could only be a precursor to an invasion. Well, okay, it turns out that maybe he watched it on a news report, with his own eyes. While satellite imagery is unable to corroborate these claims, President Trump insists that his Twitter feed is swamped with thousands of tweets from his many followers in Poland and Ukraine who report the same thing. NATO mobilizes and the Joint Chiefs go to Def-Con 2.

3:00pm – Several reporters from the Washington Post find themselves locked out of the afternoon press briefing, after the paper had the temerity to run a story opposing the President’s upcoming “I Got Yer ‘Global Warming’ Right Here” summit. Then, when a Hispanic reporter from CNN asks how much it’s going to cost to gather and load 11 million illegal immigrants onto buses and drive them back to Mexico under Trump’s newly instituted “War on Wetbacks” program (which includes the aforementioned moat), White House security personnel descend on the man, punching and choking him. The President’s only comment: “Maybe he had it comin’.”

7:20pm – The President wraps up an “amazing” meeting with members of the Democratic Party, noting that they have pledged complete support for his agenda. Democrats say they were unaware of any meeting.

Midnight – Behind a curtain of hair, President Trump drifts off to a peaceful (dare I say, amazing) sleep, comforted by the fact that America is well on its way to being great once again.

Image credit: sofrep.com

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